I’m a DIY devotee. I make my own granola, my own shampoo, my own polarfleece socks from the shorn coats of my free range Bavarian Forest sheep. I raise my own “unrestricted expanse” chickens too – for eggs, for meat, for bartering purposes; they live in a coup that I, naturally, designed – a little shack in my backyard built as homage to the Spanish Colonial architectural era.

I’ve excelled with several DIY ventures –activities not often, if ever, attempted by your run-of-the-mill Brooklynites who spend all day at a coffee shop whittling spoons. I’ve studied DIY counter-terrorism techniques. I’ve translated Don Quixote into Braille, utilizing materials I made myself – a DIY awl, a DIY collated signature on DIY parchment paper, a DIY book on all things “DIY for the blind.”

I’m even in the DIY Hall of Fame (which I built myself). I call it the “D.I.Y.H.O.F.” One particular accomplishment landed me the esteemed title of” Best West-Central Ohio DIY-er Under the Age of 40, 2012,”

That was the DIY autopsy I performed.

Today, ladies and gentleman, I’m going to share with you not just how, but when, to perform a successful DIY autopsy yourself. Should you one day happen upon your elderly neighbor dead, face down in the snow, stiff as a plank, you’ll be able to solve the mystery of his death in no time by following these 15 easy steps.

• Check to make sure your cadaver is not just planking.
• Now put on goggles, a chemical splash apron, and disposable gloves.
• Make sure your standard dissection trays and tools are properly cleaned. Here is my recipe for DIY medical device cleaning solution:

What You Need:
Ingredients
Vinegar
Baking Soda
Lemon
Essential Oil (optional)
Water Dish soap

Equipment or Tools
Spray bottle
Bowl
Sponge
Scrub brush
Measuring spoons

Instructions
All-Purpose Cleaner Using funnel, put 1 teaspoon baking soda, 1/2 teaspoon dish soap, and 2 tablespoons vinegar into your spray bottle. Give it a stir/shake. Let it sit for a minute, now fill bottle with warm water and shake it up. Give it a few more minutes to calm down, and add a few drops of essential oil if desired.
Garbage Disposal Freshener Take the pulp from a lemon (preferably one you’ve squeezed to use for something else) and toss it in the garbage disposal, along with a few thin strips of the peel. Run water and turn on disposal.

Sink or Stovetop Cleaner Put a 1/3 cup baking soda in a bowl. Mix in enough warm water so that you get a nice moist paste. Put paste on sponge or brush and scrub away. Make it as you need it.

Microwave Cleaner No need to reinvent the wheel. We always follow’s Jonathan’s advice. His post on cleaning the microwave is the best we’ve ever found.

Additional Notes: The one thing we haven’t found are good instructions on how to naturally clean an oven. Do you have any tips?

1. Now, with a pen and paper, draw a crude humanoid outline. Like so:
   
2. On this outline, sketch all bodily injuries visible on the exterior of the body.
3. Using your Stryker saw (vibrating saw), cut a Y-incision into the torso. Should you find this part of the procedure frightening/intimidating, I suggest brushing up on your DIY dismemberment skills.)
4. Take a scalpel and carefully peel the soft tissue back from the chest wall. Sometimes, this gives me the heebie-jeebies so I imagine I’m actually skinning my chickens instead. That helps immensely.
5. Pull the ribs apart with your hands. Save for later.
6. Weigh each of the cadaver’s organs. Be careful not to accidentally drill into the organs at this point or let them float out of and away from the chest cavity.
   
7. Now place a body block beneath the cadaver’s head. This elevates the cranium so that it’s positioned like a stiff pillow atop a nice, comfortable queen-sized bed. This also serves to ensure the cadaver is as comfortable as possible.
8. Now make cuts with your Stryker saw around the equator of the cadaver’s cranium. Remove scalp.
9. Fondue small portions of the brain. Take one of the small portions of the brain and throw it vertically at the ceiling, if the portion sticks—this almost certainly points to the cause of death being homicide. If, however, the brain does not adhere to the ceiling and comes crashing down—then cause of death was likely an arteriovenous fistula. (I kid you not, this has been my finding EVERY SINGLE TIME.)
10. Now, close up the cadaver. I prefer to perform this step with Dyneema – the world’s strongest fiber. You can find it online here.
11. Once your elderly neighbor’s autopsy is complete, report your findings to the next of kin. Most often, this is a St. Bernard.
12. Return cadaver to the side of the road; face down in a snow mound.

And  – voila! – that’s it. You’ve completed your first DIY autopsy.  Give yourself a round of applause. Do not allow your friends to clap for you. You must do all the clapping yourself.

Please check back for my next blog entry! I can’t wait for this one: How to make and insert your very own urine catheter using extendo-straws.

You’re welcome!