How to Make Your Cat a Cinematographer

by Chuck Green

Guys, they have GoPro mounts for everything from surfboards to jet planes to whiskey bottles to even dogs, yes dogs, but I have yet to see one for a cat. Like, a real one I mean. There is that video where the lady puts a GoPro on her cat and then the video is of the cat going out and hurting people and drinking at a bar and doing coke at a strip club but honestly that video was totally fake. A cat would die if it did cocaine and that’s just science. But I am here to tell you that I had the horrible idea of mounting a GoPro camera to a cat and gosh what do you know, I did it. I have no idea why, but I made a GoPro harness mount for cats.

And I’m here to tell you how to make your own. You know, if you have nothing else to live for. Because honestly, what is a cat going to do that you care about at all? Walk around and be a jerk most likely.

I mean you should definitely not let the GoPro cat outside to track his wacky adventures because someone is going to be like, “Man I have no use for a cat, but a cat with a GoPro is for sure something to steal,” so just be careful out there.


Hubert J. Cumberdale

This is Hubert, by the way. Well, ok, he wants to be called Jason these days. He lost a lot of weight and now he wants to change his identity and go by his middle name or whatever. I don’t care. But I have absolutely refused to help him set up his Facebook page. Figure that one out for yourself, asshole. Anyway, on to the fun and wonderful project.

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First, I bought a regular old cat harness from Howl. It’s pretty standard. I got one in large due to Jason’s considerable size. I mean, he used to be huge, but now I would just say “large,” and these don’t even come in “huge” I guess because huge cats die of diabetes pretty quick.

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Also red is Jason’s favorite color because it’s my favorite color and until you get your Facebook page working what I like is what you like you stupid cat.

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Then I set up my hacker space with everything I would need to make this harness mount thing. So I have three different GoPro harnesses that I got on Amazon and here they are. There’s a head harness, a chest harness, and a helmet harness.

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I also have a GoPro Hero 3 camera.

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And something else you will need if you want to copy my steps exactly is a Canon XTi digital rebel SLR camera, a Speedlite 430 EXII strobe and an attachable mini soft box of any kind, it doesn’t matter. And a TTL cable so you can get those rockstar flash angles.

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And you also need hacker gloves. Because you’re hacking, duh.

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I examined my GoPro harnesses and because cats don’t like heavy stuff I ruled out the chest harness. But, there needs to be some substantial bottom plate to keep the camera from just diddling around all over the cat’s lumpy back so I went with the middle ground which is the head harness.

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I got some scissors to cut the straps off the head harness.

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Before I cut the straps off the harness I went back on Amazon and looked at what I paid for it again just to make sure I wasn’t fucking up something expensive because I would really regret that.

Then I simply cut off all the elastic stuff. I even cut off the elastic from the bottom part that has the cutout which would have allowed me to just slip the elastic loop out of it instead of cutting it like a dumbass, but I did it anyway because how could I have known? This is a hacker tutorial not a psychic paranormal ghost hunter thing.

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So I had to make those two side slots way bigger, because I want to slip the cat harness clips through them! So I got out this Dremel tool and put the ball end tip on it.

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Oh and you want to put that GoPro mount in a bench vise if you’ve got one otherwise you are going to ruin the fuck out of your hacker gloves; trust me on that one. I have many pairs.

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I realized at this point I could just use my GoPro and the chest harness to make a shitty little video of the process so here you go, here that is:

Sorry about the beginning of the video I got distracted.

Then I turned off the camera and Dremeled it out even more because that was actually not close to being enough hard work but then I ended up with the final product!

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As you can see, you can slip the “back of the neck” part of the harness through that handy little notch that I didn’t even see before when I was going all wackadoodle with the scissors.

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And now those two slots are huge enough to feed the clippy things through like so.

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And then you just attach the GoPro in its little plastic case to that harness you have just made.

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At this point, unfortunately, you are going to have to attach it to your worthless cat. The cat will protest angrily, perhaps even violently, at this apparently deadly violation of his entire existence because there is apparently nothing worse for a cat than getting a harness put on so make sure you have put on some armor for real.

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I was able to hold the cat’s girth between my knees until he squealed like a little girl cat, but fuck him he doesn’t pay rent so he’s gonna make me some cash.

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I successfully got the harness on the cat somehow. It is kinda droopy here because it was still loose. You have to tighten that up. But it turns out it’s okay if it’s a little droopy as long as it doesn’t fall side to side because the GoPro Hero 3 has a wide angle lens on it and the video from this angle looks totally amazing.

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Here is Jason doing his favorite activity, eating as though he is about to die.

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I know this is not the proper place to talk about it, but seriously this cat sounds disgusting when he eats. Imagine a pig who has just seen his own feces for the first time and is overcome with an uncontrollable lust for the taste of it in his terrible, slimy pig throat and he just goes all out on that like it’s his last meal. The grunting is the constant star of my nightmares.

Ok so now the moment you have all been waiting for, right? What does this video look like? Well honestly I don’t know what you expected but the most excitement that we can possibly see from a Cat Cam is when this fat little Slurpasaurus heard a can opening and comes running like a stampede of raw beef shaped like wildebeests just destroying all of Africa.

And there you have it, that is how to make a “Cat Cam,” or a GoPro mount for your cat. For all of your cat’s action-packed adventures in discovering new expensive furniture to destroy and places to get into that he can’t get out of and where he would literally die if you weren’t there to save him from himself. Hope you enjoyed this fun little tutorial and have a wonderful day everyone.

6 Comments

  • Tom Lyons July 25, 2015 at 3:44 pm

    Nice job. I gotta do this. funny to.

  • Caty D January 30, 2015 at 2:21 pm

    This whole article and video made my day and had me dying of laughter. You’re awesome. I need to do this now. Also send my regards to cat formerly known Herbert Cumberdale, who tastes like soot and poo.

  • hairball December 3, 2014 at 7:37 pm

    Cool idea and execution. I hope you’re not seriously with all the cat trash talking. It sounds like you really don’t like him, and he seems like a cool cat.

    • Chuck Green December 24, 2014 at 7:56 pm

      I love Hubert, but he needs to get a job.

  • Jellybit December 3, 2014 at 4:09 pm

    How are we not discussing this?

    • Chuck Green December 24, 2014 at 7:56 pm

      I know right?

Comments are closed.