Everything I Know About Beyoncé and Why That’s Important

Or, perhaps more importantly, how I just learned the character code for an acute “e” and I’m not just going to waste that.

Beyoncé has recently helped me through a difficult time in my life, and I have to admit that before this difficult time, I really had no idea who she was. The only things I really knew were that she was from the band Destiny’s Child, which was kind of a reboot of TLC (I guess?). And she had a song called “Single Ladies,” which my friend Erin learned all the dance moves from the video to, and I would terrorize her by playing the song and making her do it, because she HATED doing it. But when you learn something that hard, you HAVE to do it on command, or else you’re just wasting your talents.

Beyoncé moved into my life with ten suitcases on each arm. In each suitcase was another reason to love everything around you. Some of these suitcases had things like Dancing, Drinking, Drinkin’ (different), Bodies, Parties, 50-leven Girls, and a Surfboard. I still don’t know what Dereons are, or where Sasha Fierce’s parents are when this is happening, but I don’t need to know.

Beyoncé has a fuck ton of money. She was able to buy Jay-Z, which is kind of like buying a used car, but one with a lot of collector’s value because it used to be famous. I mean, he still is famous. But Beyoncé is so famous that she buys famous rappers. She drove that used car around the world in a tour called On The Run which I totally went to. She cleaned up Jay-Z real good and even bought him a “99 Problems” shirt from that place in the mall that just makes stuff up.

She has a song called, “Drunk in Love” which, even though it’s kind of this all-over-the-place Garage Band song about getting drunk and having sex, it’s still somehow a fantastic song about deep stuff. “Cigars on ice?” Genius. I don’t even know what that is supposed to mean, but I am in awe. She relates such deep-cutting anecdotes in this song, such as the time she and Jay-Z woke up in the kitchen after, presumably, passing out in the kitchen and, I guess, based on the lyrics, “saying how the hell did this shit happen,” discovering that because she didn’t repost it into 10 other pages, a heron flew into her kitchen and made a mess of her pots and pans. We learn that not only is she famous, drunk, and in the middle of having sex, she and her husband, “be all night,” which means they take all night to do everything, which means they really give it their full attention. They’ll be drinking all night, sexing all night, and getting famous all night. They have such a gigantic bath tub that it has its own tidal forces, such that they are able to surf in it.

Jay-Z has a part in the song which you can kinda skip if you want, but he does reveal in there that he is like Ike Turner, which seems to mean that he shoved cake into Beyoncé’s mouth once, like forcefully, but I guess she didn’t really notice. I guess she must really like cake because she is okay with this. That’s just how cool Beyoncé is! Her husband can joke about how he is jealous of her fame and, “oh I might do something violent to you like that guy once did to his wife who got more famous than him, ha ha!” And she is just like, “Yup, but you wont, boy.” And that is why she is the queen of the world.

I would just like to conclude by saying how if you have a little portable speaker, the only other thing you need is Beyoncé, and also I would like to tell everyone to Don’t Worry Be Yoncé, and Serfbort and whatever else t-shirt gets you through the day.


this is how I feel