Dating is a lot like religion in the sense that you’re taught from a young age that if you behave and follow the rules, you’ll be rewarded. Much like my catholic upbringing, as I aged I rejected all social norms when it came to my love life. One such example is that I rejected the idea of winding up with a woman. I found out sophomore year of college that my parts, and the parts of the ladies around me would never fit. As I came to terms with my new understanding of myself, I began to branch out and explore men.

I behaved myself. I cared to listen when they talked about action films, and I never used teeth when I was going down on someone I cared about. I began to believe that I deserved a “good man.” You know, like Zac Efron and Ryan Gosling in all those Nicholas Spark’s films that are systematically formulated by Hollywood to make you think there is a special land filled with decent guys with rippling abs.

1. The one who doesn’t realize how homophobic he is: Homophobic gay guys exist, everyone. They lurk in dark corners clutching their beers out of fear in gay bars and use phrases such as “straight acting” and “masculine.” These are the type of guys who want to come over at midnight wearing a hoodie and never bring your relationship into the light of day for a charming Sunday brunch.
2. The sports fanatic- Love sports all you want just please stop trying to shove them down my throat. If I have to date one more man who says, “Oh, you just have to go to a baseball game to really appreciate it,” I will shut the MBA down. I love cheap beer and sunlight, just don’t subject me to it alongside sweaty men just trying to make it to home base.
3. The One Who Doesn’t Tip: I have only been on one date with a guy who doesn’t tip, and that was more than enough for me. People who don’t tip service industry workers are the lowest denominator of society. Having worked at Starbucks for quite some time, I can attest to the fact that minimum wage is not enough to live off of. A man who doesn’t show his servers love is unlikely to show you any.
4. The Avid Partier- More likely to be seen shirtless waving glow sticks around than he is likely to show you commitment and attention. This club-goer is out six nights a week and uses phrases that only a true sociopath would. For example “We have to live while we’re young!” and “I’ll sleep when I’m dead!”
5. The Ghost- The cruelest of temptresses. This man will bring you on four or five wonderful dates before he stops answering your phone calls and text messages. You’ll sit there for days wondering what it is you did to make him run away; you’re likely to find your answer when you run into him at a bar with his new “flavor of the week” boy.

As I transition to my life in a new city post-grad, I plan to keep trying my hand at dating. Hell, I even felt bold and reactivated my OKCupid account. However, something tells me that a larger area doesn’t equate to more dating opportunities. There is a hell on earth, my friends, and it uses LA Looks and takes you to The China Buffet on your first date.