Anonymous Asked: What are your thoughts on side girls? As in you have a girlfriend who you really do love and care about and want to be with and treats you awesome, but you still have that urge to chase and physically be with other women.
First of all, calling someone your “side girl” seems a little degrading. I obviously know what you’re asking but people you’re intimate with don’t equate to either steak or mashed potatoes. For the purpose of this question, I’m going to use “side girl” in the usual context: a primarily sexual relationship with a woman in which your significant other is not aware of. The other woman may be aware of your relationship status.
A study by Live Science found that Millennials are the least empathetic generation compared to other generations when they were of college age. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be physically intimate with people outside of your primary relationship. There is something wrong with showing little empathy, lying, or being deceitful towards a person you love and care about. But, you already know that.
You should start by asking yourself how you would feel about your girlfriend wanting to be with other men? Is there any situation in which you would be okay with that?
If you could be okay with that, perhaps you should consider an open relationship. Slate.com reported in 2012 that 25% of gay relationships, 3% of lesbian relationships and 7% of heterosexual relationships are open. People rarely talk about them in public but they are out there. According to the 2010 Pew Research study, the young, secular, liberal East & West coasters are most likely to be open to non-traditional relationships. Only 11% of adults under 30 think non-traditional families are bad for society (in comparison to 29% of the nation’s average) and 44% of Americans under 30 believe marriage will become obsolete.
From my experience, one person (usually the man) is more likely to be down for an open relationship while the other (usually the woman) is simply down to not lose their relationship thus agrees half-heartedly. I think a good way to test is to allow the person that did not propose the open relationship to start seeing someone outside of the relationship first. Kind of like the person that didn’t cut the pie gets to choose.
If an open relationship isn’t something you or your girlfriend would be comfortable with then it’s important to figure out what the ultimate goal is with these women. Are you not having sex as often as you’d like? Is it not as adventurous as you’d like? Do you need some kind of attention or emotional satisfaction that your girlfriend currently isn’t giving you?
By no means, am I blaming your current girlfriend for your potential infidelity, rather; I am highlighting ways you could achieve your goal. Infidelity may not be your only solution. Once you are able to identify what it is you’re looking for, then you can provide that information to your girlfriend so you can work on a solution together.
Sit down and have a conversation like an adult. Explain to her that you love and care about her but have interest in seeing other women or are feeling unfulfilled in some way. You should be able to come to an agreement in which you both are able to get what you’re looking for within (and possibly outside) of your relationship.
It’s better to be in a relationship where you’re both compatible on a stance as important as monogamy than trying to hide what your true desires are. I’m not the sharing or cheating type so I don’t have too much more insight on the topic, but I suggest looking into open relationship and the Dan Savage coined term “monogamish” to do some exploration into your options and how to properly navigate those waters.
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