Worried you drink too much? Have no fear! These terrible cocktails will put you off your fermented desires in a heartbeat.
I wasn’t always a comedian and in darker times I took to the bar for a little extra cash (Creed cologne and Carmina cordovan shoes aren’t cheap!) Please enjoy this list of rejected recipes; deemed unsuitable due to tastelessness, offensiveness or general grossness.
“Slutty Mary”
2.5 oz Vodka, 3 oz Tomato juice
Everyone else at the bar gets a drink before you do.
“Latke Tonic”
3 oz Potato Vodka, dollop of sour cream.
Serve with intense guilt.
“Cat-a-Tonic”
3 oz Gin, 3 oz Tonic Water,
Serve with massive dose of horse tranquilizers.
“Penis Colada”
Don’t even ask about this one….
“Storm and Darky”
2 oz Rum, 4 oz Birch Beer, Lime Wedge
Serve with the oppression that persists despite the historical revisionism of those unaffected
“MANhattan”
1 oz Sweet Vermouth, 2.5 oz Rye,
Wring out a hand towel of locker room sweat and garnish with a cherry.
“WOMANhattan”
~**same as above but bartender gets paid 70 cents on the dollar**~
“Skrewdriver”
3 oz Vodka, 3 oz orange juice
Serve in 2 separate glasses
“Dirty Martina Navratilova”
3 oz Gin, 1.5 oz Vermouth, Olive juice to taste.
Serve in a halved tennis ball.
“Masturbation on the Beach”
1.5 oz Vodka, 1.5 oz Schnapps, 3 oz Cranberry juice.
Rim the glass with vaseline and serve with extra cocktail napkins
