Anonymous Asked: How are you so brave with online dating? I’m always scared that someone in real life will recognize me or that my bosses will find my profile. How did you get to be so open about doing online dating?

Have you ever heard of mutually assured destruction? Well, it’s a pretty awesome thing. It’s the reason why so many countries have nuclear weapons but don’t use them (okay, there’s a lot of reasons for that but that’s a big one). It’s also the reason why you don’t have to worry too much about someone “recognizing” you from your online profile because, if someone recognizes you from your profile, they, most likely, also have a profile. You can “out” them just ask quickly as they could “out” you.

Match.com doesn’t have a way to hide your profile from search engines so if you’re very concerned, you shouldn’t use it. On eHarmony, you’re hidden from search results by the nature of the site. OkCupid & HowAboutWe.com have settings that allow you to hide yourself from anyone not logged in. Mobile apps like Tinder & Grindr, you must have the app installed to see other users. So really, what I’m saying is, you can easily hide yourself online if you want to.

That being said, why are you so afraid of people “finding out”? Understandably, OkCupid has some racy questions but you can skip those or answer privately, but outside of that, what’s the problem? Is actively seeking a romantic connection such a terrible thing? It seems like expressing a desire to want to be in a relationship, or even go on a date, is a taboo. How dare you take your love life into your own hands? I’m no expert, but I’ve found that being passive and appearing ambivalent in your love life may not yield the results you’d like. This goes for meeting people in person also!

Obviously, you can’t singlehandedly change the stigma attached to dating, especially online dating, but here’s what you can do:

If you don’t make it seem like a big deal, people are less likely to perceive it as such:

I regularly talk about online dating in my everyday life. When chatting with friends or close co-workers, I share photos of guys, laugh at bad messages, etc. I never made a sweeping declaration, or came out of the preverbal online dating closet; I just made a profile and started talking about it in the same way I’d talk about what I had for lunch.

Take online dating as seriously as meeting anyone anywhere else:

I read so many profiles where people express not “believing” in online dating or the most private thing they’re willing to admit is that they’re on the site. Is that someone you’d like to be with?  A person so ashamed that they’ve sunk so low as to be on the exact same dating site as you, as if expressing their discomfort makes them so much better than all the other online daters.

Now, think about it—do you want to be that person? How is online dating less serious than meeting someone at a bar when you’re black out drunk? Or hiding the fact that you’re dating your co-worker for months? Online dating logically makes much more sense than other tactics, and really, it’s just a way to meet someone, your relationship isn’t defined by that! Though, if you meet someone when you’re blackout drunk that could define your relationship…

Get out on dates to change the narrative:

If you’re so concerned with online dating, minimize the amount of time you’re online. Meet someone and go on a date! So instead of saying, “I’ve been talking to this girl online for 6 weeks,” you can say, “I went to dinner with this great girl this weekend.” If you have done nothing more than talk to someone online, you don’t have anything to say beyond that! If you’ve actually gone out with someone, you can gloss over how you met and talk about what you did WHEN you met!

Bottom Line: Don’t let it consume your life, but actively seeking a romantic connection is not a bad thing, regardless of the method.

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