Do You (and is it okay to) Make Dating & Relationships a Top Priority?
Recently, I received a comment that said, “Relationships are an afterthought usually.”
People are getting married later in life and marriage is no longer a distinct measure of success and adulthood. Countless research studies have told us this. If research isn’t enough, just take a look at how many online dating profiles say, “just looking,” or, “I don’t take this too seriously.” If you’re not an online dater, think of all the friends you have that have been sort of seeing (sleeping) with someone for two years off and on. It has gone from a “shocking trend” to a way of life and the jury is still out as to whether or not it’s a good thing. There are many reasons for this shift. People live longer, people live alone, people are up to their eyeballs in debt, but the millennial generation continues to attend undergraduate and graduate schools at a rate that has the potential to be higher than any other generation.
More schooling means less time for love. Finishing a thesis, hoping to get a starting salary where you can afford to pay off your student loans and move out of your parent’s place is daunting. Let’s say you already have the job? Now you’re working on keeping it and getting that raise to save up to pay off more of that student loan and maybe even buy a house. Once you’ve got the house, what about a position that has the word “Chief” in the title and comes with an expense account?
With all those steps to achieve, should dating be a priority in a career-oriented person’s life? Is it merely a social activity (distraction) to be considered only when time allows or is it something in which a portion of your time should be devoted to? In the 2010s, is it really ever appropriate to choose a relationship over a great job offer? Should a great relationship be a life goal in the same way a great job or an additional degree is? Which is easier to achieve and which is more fulfilling? Is it possible to have the great career and the great relationship? If you have to sacrifice one for the other, which do you choose?
Where did this endless debate come from? Why can’t we “have it all”? Where in the Millennial Handbook does it say that you must complete grad school before getting married? Where does it say that a relationship will always hurt your job performance? Choosing a partner is one of the most important things you can do to further your career. (See: Claire & Frank Underwood; Lucy & Desi; Jay-Z & Beyoncé; Michelle & Barack, I could go on…). Having someone that can support you after your 70 hour workweek is just as important as the corner office. Friends are there to help, love, and support you but most friends are unable to make your relationship with them a high priority because they have that same crippling debt and job prospects to deal with.
There is a big difference between making a person (that isn’t your own offspring) your number one priority and making your relationship, or search for one, a priority. You should always be “putting yourself first” in life. Putting yourself first should mean seeking out people and experiences that make you feel happy and fulfilled. If that is an additional degree or a raise, then that’s awesome and you should go for it! If that is a supporting and loving relationship, then that’s awesome and you should go for it! In either situation, you should not be putting someone (or something) ahead of your own overall happiness. The endgame should look a bit better than where you started from, or you should reevaluate your priorities. Most of your life, if you play your cards right, should be mutually beneficial.
What it comes down to it, you can decide to finish a bunch of important milestones then find someone to tell all about them, or you can find someone you’d like to share some of those milestones with. Being in a relationship does not (and should not) mean all the fun stuff has to end. I’m not saying put life on hold until you find that someone, but I am saying consider not putting your love life on hold until you’ve got your dream job, own your house and have gotten your PhD. Perhaps, you could even be an active participant in the search. Being passive in your love life (or anything else) rarely yields great results. (Ask any woman that has ever online dated).
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