Worried you drink too much?  Have no fear! These terrible cocktails will put you off your fermented desires in a heartbeat.

I wasn’t always a comedian and in darker times I took to the bar for a little extra cash (Creed cologne and Carmina cordovan shoes aren’t cheap!)  Please enjoy this list of rejected recipes; deemed unsuitable due to tastelessness, offensiveness or general grossness.

“Slutty Mary”

2.5 oz Vodka, 3 oz Tomato juice

Everyone else at the bar gets a drink before you do.


“Latke Tonic” 

3 oz Potato Vodka, dollop of sour cream.

Serve with intense guilt.



3 oz Gin, 3 oz Tonic Water,

Serve with massive dose of horse tranquilizers.


“Penis Colada”

Don’t even ask about this one….


“Storm and Darky”

2 oz Rum, 4 oz Birch Beer, Lime Wedge

Serve with the oppression that persists despite the historical revisionism of those unaffected



1 oz Sweet Vermouth, 2.5 oz Rye,

Wring out a hand towel of locker room sweat and garnish with a cherry.



~**same as above but bartender gets paid 70 cents on the dollar**~



3 oz Vodka, 3 oz orange juice

Serve in 2 separate glasses



“Dirty Martina Navratilova”

3 oz Gin, 1.5 oz Vermouth, Olive juice to taste.

Serve in a halved tennis ball.


“Masturbation on the Beach”

1.5 oz Vodka, 1.5 oz Schnapps, 3 oz Cranberry juice.

Rim the glass with vaseline and serve with extra cocktail napkins

  • Tony Seidel

    Masturbation on the beach is hilarious

  • Margaret Hoffman

    I prefer cum-pari and soda