Artists, Creatives and Performers: have you ever been ripped off?!?  An unfortunate reality of this modern era is the legal hoops one must jump through simply to not get ripped off while we bring joy and mirth to the world.  Of course not everyone can afford an expensive lawyer to protect him or herself from the cruel vagaries of creative industry.

To help out any newcomers we are providing a sample rider (the contract used by performers and venues) we used for some recent Ezra Winter engagements.  Feel free to use this verbatim but remember you are a star so don’t be afraid to ask for what you want!

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Contracts can be confusing stuff without our help…

Rider – Ezra Winter

Compliance

This contract constitutes a relationship between the ARTIST and the PURCHASER.  Any deviation from this document may result in the artist failing to appear but still claiming the enormous appearance FEE he so richly deserves.

 

Transportation:

 The ARTIST shall be picked up at the airport with a vintage BMW motorcycle.  In the event that the performance is in the ARTIST’s home town he shall be driven to the airport in a Lincoln Town Car and then driven back in to town on the BMW motorcycle.

 

Remuneration

The ARTIST will be paid by the PURCHASER with a suitcase full of non-sequential € 100 notes, half upon arrival, and the other half immediately upon completion of the performance.  No tax papers shall be included because we totally got a guy who takes care of that.

 

Accommodation

The ARTIST requires 1 (one) non-smoking suite in a luxury hotel.  If a luxury hotel is not available, a historic bed and breakfast will suffice as long as George Washington or a member of his staff ( no one ranking below aide-de-campe) had slept there.  Either way, the room must have a voice-activated Japanese toilet.

 

Performance

The PURCHASER guarantees that the ARTIST will be the top-billed name on the marquee and the closing act, unless Chris Isaak is doing his Christmas Tour, because that is a huge a treat.

PURCHASER shall cease serving food and drink once the ARTIST has been performing for ten minutes or more, unless it is that delightful chilled salmon dish with the basil sauce, in fact please send one up to the stage with an iced black tea.

 

Dressing Rooms

The ARTIST’S dressing room shall be decorated in a minimalist style reflecting the ethos of Le Corbusier.  A bolder Saarinen-esque confidence would also be fine but the flourishes of later design titans are entirely unacceptable and may result in the cancellation of the show.  If we do not take a stand against the creeping nouveau riche frippery in modern design who will?

 

The ARTIST shall be provided with 2 (two) crystal tumblers and 1(one) crystal decanter filled with sparkling FIJI water.  It is advised that the venue NOT provide under any circumstances a drink any more potent than blonde roast coffee.  Serving absinthe or similar to the ARTIST may end up leading to a hell of a show but the physical damage to the venue would certainly skew the cost/benefit analysis toward the negative.

 

Security

The PURCHASER guarantees, in addition to current venue security, one uniformed guard solely for the protection of the ARTIST.  It is mandatory that the physical size and general demeanor of the guard provide a HILARIOUS contrast between the size and demeanor of the ARTIST.

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Disclaimer: Despite his winning prose the author is NOT a lawyer and this is not formal legal advice.  You are strongly advised to engage a licensed attorney for such.

Taking legal advice from an internet magazine is a terrible yet hilarious idea like serving wet cat food at a fancy dinner party as pâté. A GREAT idea would be to follow the author on Twitter and like him on Facebook.

About The Author

Ezra is a handsome comedian and writer. He lends his sharp comedic mind to marketing and social media through What Work Studio, the agency that produces What Weekly.

  • http://www.samuelbass.com/ Samuel J. Bass

    Funny! Very amusing.