Locus of Evil

It’s that time of year for spooks, monsters, witches, and gore: the mid-term elections. But in the meantime, we can relax with the new crop of Halloween scary movie releases.

The bizarre attack ads of this campaign season use the same techniques as the horror/ thriller movie trailers. Not sure if the same marketing people work on them, but if they don’t, they should. They could learn from each other, like this mash-up from current movie trailers and campaign ads:

“He supported the stimulus. There are some crimes so horrific, that the only justice is revenge. The unmerciful, unapologetic, tax and spend liberal. Your flesh is his fantasy.”

While the real slashing, stabbing, and torture comes from the political ads, I still love the movies. This is not a review column people, but I offer a found poem—found word-for-word in fall movie trailer copy—to guide you through the high holy days of Halloween:

This October, in a quiet town
A demented surgeon will wield any instrument.
But that was just the beginning
His two best friends filmed the whole thing six years ago
During re-entry over Mexico.

This is Megan Faccio
This fall, she will keep you close
And try to hold on to all of your pieces.
Whatever you do don’t save yourself
to witness the final cut.

Have you ever received a chain letter from the director of Cloverfield?
This October return to his swamp
This October the traps come alive
This October don’t inhale
October 8 is the day of the Woman. No Mercy.

But today October 29th everything happens for a reason.
New life forms begin to appear among ordinary people in theaters
They met on the internet to perform the unspeakable rollercoaster ride
The time has come for all to experience the greatest unrated catfish slasher.
A dark warning and random events not based on a true story.

Last year you demanded a space probe from the mind of M. Knight Shyamalan.
This fall brings you closer to fear in 3-D
Shot in state of the art 3-D
100% medically accurate 3-D
Something wicked lives a terrifying secret not inspired by true events.

How do you save yourself if you’re from Universal Pictures?
They say that weed can make you lose friends
This fall, one of these five people
Hailed it as super f*cking awesome.
Coming soon. Just true.

— david warfield


Monsters, Chain Letter, My Soul to Take, Evil Weed, Hatchet II, Devil, Case 39, Paranormal Activity 2, I Spit on Your Grave/ Unrated, Saw 3-D, Catfish, Let Me In, The Human Centipede.

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